CORDYCEPTS FUNGAL OUTBREAK
Bainbridge Island, Kitsap County, WA
Current Situation
As of this evening, Kitsap County Public Health, in coordination with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, has confirmed active Cordycepts fungal colonization at multiple residential sites on Bainbridge Island.
The affected area includes six confirmed collection sites within a single residential property. Samples have been collected and submitted to regional laboratory facilities. The collection process is described in field documentation as "completed." We are not providing further characterization of the collection process at this time. A supplemental report is forthcoming. We are not optimistic about the supplemental report.
The six individuals currently residing at the primary exposure site have been assessed and are, in the clinical sense, infected. They have been described in field notes as "cooperative and asking a lot of good questions," which CDC field staff have noted is genuinely unusual and they want it on the record.
We want to be clear that this is a real emergency. It was, briefly, considered a drill. It is not a drill.
Background & History of the Cordycepts Threat
Cordycepts fungi have existed on Earth for millions of years. Until recently, they posed no threat to humans — our body temperature of 98.6°F was considered too warm for any known strain to survive. The operative word, in retrospect, was "considered."
Epidemiological Coverage Map
Symptoms
Individuals exposed to Cordycepts KIT-CDY-2025 may experience the following. Several of these symptoms may be difficult to distinguish from conditions already prevalent in the area. We have done our best to note where this applies.
- Unusual fatigue or disorientation in the days following exposure
- Unexplained changes in behavior or decision-making (Note: for individuals who have recently completed a wellness retreat, detox protocol, or extended social media break, please establish a baseline before drawing conclusions)
- Heightened sensitivity to ambient light and sound (This symptom is clinically distinct from the documented sensitivity to ferry horn noise reported by residents of the Eagle Harbor area)
- Compulsive repetitive behaviors (We ask that residents apply careful judgment when self-diagnosing based on morning routines)
- Loss of appetite followed by unusual food cravings (Cravings for locally-sourced artisan products are not diagnostic on their own)
- In advanced stages: loss of voluntary motor control and higher cognitive function. This symptom is considered unambiguously diagnostic. If you are experiencing this symptom, please call 360-555-0147 and remain where you are. Do not drive.
What You Should Do
- Remain in your primary residence until cleared by CDC personnel. For residents with more than one primary residence, please select one and commit to it for the duration of the emergency.
- Do not consume any unpackaged or unverified food items. Items purchased at this morning's Bainbridge Island Farmers Market are considered a personal decision at this stage. We are not in a position to recall a farmers market.
- Cooperate fully with all CDC field personnel. You will recognize them by their protective equipment. Do not offer them coffee. They will accept it and this has caused measurable delays in at least one documented deployment.
- Report exposure symptoms immediately to 360-555-0147. This line is currently forwarded to a personal cell phone. She is aware of this. Please do not call after 8 PM. She has asked us to include that.
- Do not attempt to leave Bainbridge Island without written CDC authorization. Digital authorization is not currently available. We are aware this is inconvenient. Printed authorization can be obtained from our field office, which is wherever Agent Farkass is standing.
- If you believe you have been exposed, remain calm and await evaluation. The CDC recommends slow, deep breathing, which has no clinical effect on cordycepts infection rates but has been shown to make people easier to work with.
Epidemiological Coverage Map
Symptoms
Individuals exposed to Cordycepts KIT-CDY-2025 may experience the following. Several of these symptoms may be difficult to distinguish from conditions already prevalent in the area. We have done our best to note where this applies.
- Unusual fatigue or disorientation in the days following exposure
- Unexplained changes in behavior or decision-making (Note: for individuals who have recently completed a wellness retreat, detox protocol, or extended social media break, please establish a baseline before drawing conclusions)
- Heightened sensitivity to ambient light and sound (This symptom is clinically distinct from the documented sensitivity to ferry horn noise reported by residents of the Eagle Harbor area)
- Compulsive repetitive behaviors (We ask that residents apply careful judgment when self-diagnosing based on morning routines)
- Loss of appetite followed by unusual food cravings (Cravings for locally-sourced artisan products are not diagnostic on their own)
- In advanced stages: loss of voluntary motor control and higher cognitive function. This symptom is considered unambiguously diagnostic. If you are experiencing this symptom, please call 360-555-0147 and remain where you are. Do not drive.
What You Should Do
- Remain in your primary residence until cleared by CDC personnel. For residents with more than one primary residence, please select one and commit to it for the duration of the emergency.
- Do not consume any unpackaged or unverified food items. Items purchased at this morning's Bainbridge Island Farmers Market are considered a personal decision at this stage. We are not in a position to recall a farmers market.
- Cooperate fully with all CDC field personnel. You will recognize them by their protective equipment. Do not offer them coffee. They will accept it and this has caused measurable delays in at least one documented deployment.
- Report exposure symptoms immediately to 360-555-0147. This line is currently forwarded to a personal cell phone. She is aware of this. Please do not call after 8 PM. She has asked us to include that.
- Do not attempt to leave Bainbridge Island without written CDC authorization. Digital authorization is not currently available. We are aware this is inconvenient. Printed authorization can be obtained from our field office, which is wherever Agent Farkass is standing.
- If you believe you have been exposed, remain calm and await evaluation. The CDC recommends slow, deep breathing, which has no clinical effect on cordycepts infection rates but has been shown to make people easier to work with.
Press Release
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND CONFIRMS FIRST RESIDENTIAL CORDYCEPTS OUTBREAK IN CONTINENTAL U.S.; SATURDAY FARMERS MARKET STILL ON
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WA —
Following confirmation of an active Cordycepts fungal outbreak at a residential site on Bainbridge Island, Kitsap County Public Health has issued a formal public health emergency. The outbreak, which represents the first confirmed instance of human-viable Cordycepts colonization in the continental United States, has been met with what officials describe as "measured concern" and, according to at least one field agent's notes, "a surprising number of questions about whether this might affect real estate valuations."
"Property values are outside the scope of our assessment," said a Kitsap County spokesperson. Preliminary data from Zillow, which no one at the CDC requested, suggests they are holding.
The CDC has deployed a field team to the primary exposure site. Field team operations are described in official documentation as "ongoing." The field team's own documentation is described by the regional laboratory as "creative." A supplemental review has been opened.
Residents of Bainbridge Island are advised to shelter in place. The Saturday Farmers Market is currently scheduled to proceed as planned. Market organizers have been notified and have requested that the CDC provide a written statement that is, in their words, "not alarming." The CDC has provided a statement. Organizers have requested revisions. The CDC has provided revised statement. Organizers have scheduled a call to discuss.
Ferry service between Bainbridge Island and Seattle is operating on a modified schedule, which is the same as the normal schedule. Seattle has been informed of the situation. Seattle has acknowledged receipt of this information. Seattle has not changed any of its plans.
The six individuals confirmed to be infected were described by field personnel as "cooperative, engaged, and asking genuinely good questions about the science," which CDC officials said was "unusual enough to note formally and we are noting it formally here."
- Remain home
- Do not share food with neighbors, or anyone
- Ferry service continues (approximately)
- Your Pilates instructor is non-essential at this time
- This is not a drill. It was briefly considered a drill. It is not.